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Tuesday, September 21, 2010


Dear Baby,
    Mommy had another emergency appointment today.  She was having some "issues" that she wasn't sure was normal & the doctor said that they needed to see me right away.  So, since Daddy was at work, Grandma took me to the appointment.  To be honest, I was a little annoyed because I figured they were going to tell me that it was something small & not a big deal & that everything was OK.  Boy, was I wrong.
    I saw Dr. Griffin & she decided to do a pelvic exam to find out what was going on.  She did the exam, but then stated that she wanted to do also do an ultra sound to collect more information.  I thought it was weird, but was excited that I was going to get to see you & hear your heart beat again.  So, I did the ultra sound & the tech left the room & said she would be back shortly.  Grandma & I were waiting for what seemed like quite awhile when the tech returned, but she also had the doctor with her.  Now, this is my 4th ultra sound & the doctor has never come into the ultra sound room, so I immediately wondered what was going on.  The doctor had the tech bring up an ultra sound picture & that's when my world ended.
    The doctor explained that the inside of my cervix was 100% open & that your little sac that protects you was pushing up against my cervix & was trying to eliminate you from my body.  She explained that I was having a miscarriage & that there was nothing that they could do to prevent it & she believed that you would be gone before Friday.  I was completely hysterical.  I started screaming & crying uncontrollably, begging the doctor to save you life.  She apologized & said that there was nothing she could do & that it was not my fault that this was happening.  I asked her if you could possibly move & she said no.  She explained that once you implanted in my uterus, that is where you would stay & it was not possible for you to move.  I then asked her if my cervix could close so that you could remain in my tummy & she also said no to that.  She explained that because my cervix is already open (& it should not be) it would only close after I had lost you.
    I was completely devastated & shocked.  Never in a million years would I have though the doctor was going to tell me something like this.  Grandma was very supportive & hugged me & tried to calm me down, but nothing would work.  The doctor then explained that losing you could be dangerous to my health, so she suggested that I have a surgical procedure called a D & C to have you removed.  I explained that I could not do that because you still had a heart beat & that meant that you were still alive & that I was not going to do anything while your heart was still beating.  She said she understood & scheduled another ultrasound for Friday to check & see if you had a heartbeat.  If not, we would have the procedure at that time.
    Grandma & I both had a very difficult time trying to adjust to the news.  The doctor answered all my questions, but they were not the answers I wanted to hear.  I could not believe that I was about to lose my precious baby that I love so much.  I had to call work to tell them what was going on & that I had to take the rest of the week off work.  I couldn't stop crying & could barely walk, let alone return to work.  Grandma called Daddy & told him what was happening & he immediately came home from work to be with me.  All we could do was wait to see what would happen.
    We have told our close family & friends who know about you & they are frantically saying prayers & hoping for a miracle, just like Daddy & me.  All I can say to you my precious love is hold on & don't give up because we are NOT giving up on you!  We love you very much!

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